Nostalgia, Native Americans and Nights of November.
#4
Well hello.
Not sure if it is just me, or if November was exhausting - emotionally, physically and mentally? The end of another semester, the stress of taking a 40 hour flight amidst a never-ending pandemic and getting done with all work and exams before said flight - has taken all my energy - so this is going to be a shorter newsletter.
I almost thought of skipping this month, but I realized writing this has been grounding for me - almost meditative, a practice that calms me down when life feels stormy. Now, this could be because I have always enjoyed chatting and writing but it could also be because patterned activity is good for your mental health. Ever wondered why cleaning out your house when you are stressed, washing dishes, coloring mandala helps you relax? Patterned activities take away attention from your thoughts, bringing you into the 'here and now', allowing you to relax. They give us the feeling of being in control, a feeling that has been snatched away from us, time and again in the last couple years. Take this newsletter as a reminder to indulge in a mindfully mundane activity - and feel relaxed for 10 minutes today.
I've spent a lot of time this month thinking about self care, and the cultural barriers to self care. The idea of being selfless is so glorified in Indian society, that it almost feels wrong to do something just for your own happiness. This is a short film I watched recently that I really liked - a) since it is written/directed and acted by Shefali Shah who I love b) It packages the message that we need to reexamine cultural conditioning in a way that isn't offensive and can be shown to various audiences. It talks about the magic of solitude, and the importance of loneliness.
Personally, this month and year in general has been lonely in a way I cannot describe. Don't get me wrong, it has been wonderful in a way I cannot describe too - and I am fortunate to have so many people around to hang out, laugh and deal with difficulties with - and yet there is a deep set loneliness, that calls on me every now and again. It’s like living near a train station in India - hearing the sounds and seeing the sights - but from a window across the street. Its a loneliness that comes from the sadness of having conflicting schedules, not enough time to truly relax, a cultural disconnect, an emotional investment of a program, the looming doom of not knowing what next and even the lack of sun post 4 pm.
I think, it is once you allow yourself to feel lonely - when you gain perspective - and able to find ways to weave comfort in your life -and in turn get to know yourself better. For me, other than of course, spending time with people I love (in person or virtually), spending time curating my space makes me feel comfortable.
There are certain items I have carried around house to house - my room is filled with décor that has meaning - to people, places, memories - things that make it a home. My pink comforter is one of these things, I left home for the first time with - when I was a sweet seventeen year old. It has be a constant in my life of change - a piece of home. I found this article that interviewed people and highlighted 8 objects that survived a lifetime of moves. What is one thing you carry around everywhere with you that gives you comfort? The main reason I am here is for conversations - reply to this newsletter!Â
Speaking of comfort, I started and have almost finished watching This is Us, a family drama show I have been avoiding for years - on the pretext that it is too sad and emotional. I finally got to it and I am so glad - the show is beautiful, nuanced and so well made. It also addresses my favorite feeling - Nostalgia - in the way that the characters really unpack all their demons, celebrate each laugh - and form stronger connections with one another and themselves. The show is about growth - and the hard work that goes into addressing your emotional needs. Would 100% recommend.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in the US for the first time this year, complete with a day of cooking with friends - and the day of leftovers after, definitely feeling super thankful. I cooked a stuffed turkey recipe which turned out really good, also helping me realize I love pecans - here it is.
I do know the context of white supremacy behind thanksgiving and was thinking about - how can we prepare future generations to be sensitive to all people, recognize the wrongs done to indigenous people while also allowing for this festival - one of being grateful to exist, and I found this lovely article. I feel like I am so unaware about this population - and decided to listen to this podcast to educate myself- Two indigenous women talk the representation of Native peoples in media with the goal of changing the way we see Native America.
On a cold dark night in November - I watched this - the dancers were asked to provide a personal interpretation of a music piece on the cold (-7 degrees Celsius) shores of Iceland - and it made me smile, cry and feel happy at the same time. I'm always in awe of the power of expression, music and movement.Â
To leave you, heal you and in the hope that you find yourself (in loneliness or not), a poem:
The Thing is by Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
Love,
A